Warning: the following content has high levels of sarcasm.
For some odd reason, the moment I fascinate over someone – and in other words, have a “crush” on someone, our romantic future is literally crushed.
It’s a skill really, having the ability to doom something before it’s even started.
According to Oprah’s wise words of encouragement, you should know your worth and never, and I mean never…
….lower your standards. Of course, keep them realistic blah blah.. boring.
My following pointers is fuck boy proof. If a guy can pass all these stages, my love, you have a prince, jump onto that horses – figuratively and literally….just joking mum.
1.No eye contact
My most powerful tool, avoid eye contact. I know people and advice posts, usually say eye contact is the way to go, but I think not – I think avoid it completely.
Think about it? What if he notices you looking and pulls that why are you looking at me face, or worse, calls the police – then what woman?
Seriously, though, all jokes aside what if he notices you looking, he’ll think you’re easy because you’re already interested. You want to be the challenge he notices across a room full of Kardashians. Excluding Kendall, she’s way too good looking to be looked over, even for me.
2. Jelly-jealousy – If he comes into contact with you in a social environment, talk to his friend, make him a little jealous. If he really cares, he’ll act a little jealous and you’ll know he’s into you. Success.
The only issue with this advice is that his friend will probably like you, because you’re awesome, then 5 years will go by and this jelly jealous game leads to you being married to the wrong guy.
This actually happened to me, I’m not married, though – just in case a single lad is reading this. Come to think about it, maybe stick to guys across the room.
3. “The test” – ask him if he’s interested in someone, even go as far as asking who he thinks is a catch in the room. If he’s worth your time, he’ll say you and only you. Before you think success, you need to go through the next test.
4. A little rejection – Don’t cave into the compliments, repeat extensively the following words/phrases:
- You’re joking right
- I’m not that type of girl
….Also known as playing hard to get, but keep the rejection real. Jump back like you didn’t want the compliment and like, maybe, laugh a little. If he’s still going… you got yourself a thirsty prince charming – another win.
5. The digits – If he’s asked for your phone number, then this my friend, is a potential. If he’s asking for your Snapchat, girl, you’re looking at the fuck-boy who’ll ask for nudes tomorrow night. And I say tomorrow because he’s probably taking a girl home tonight – if he has game anyway.
Now, guys might ask for your number so you’re misled to think they’re interested in you. They’ve got so much smarter I must say, but the next couple of tests will be the deal breaker. Good luck.
6. Drinks Drink Drinks – So, by now, you’ve given him your number, I hope. If you haven’t though, go back woman, I repeat; go back a step and get those digits. Even take your phone out and remind him what a phone is for.
Either way, it’s time for drinks, also known as GETTING WRECKED WOAHHH – kidding, you need to remain “woke”, remember the end goal – prince, kingdom, gold….
He’ll hopefully just say “let’s get drinks”, but if he asks, It’s fine, I suppose he’s a gentleman. When you get to the bar, don’t even think about getting your wallet out, stand there like a confused robot.
If he asks for shots…. run…. WAIT, obviously take the shot first, what kind of idiot leaves a free drink.
If he gets you a mixed drink, girl you are in, you have a man ready for the next stage – congraaaaaaaa.
7. The walk away and look back at it – walk away from him for 15 minutes (I would say 30 minutes but my friends say I’m extreme), then look back at what he’s doing. Now, this is where we usually lose them, girls. If he’s talking to other girls – boot him, that little twat, he was probably a cheater anyway.
If he’s alone waiting for you – run, run! He’s probably a creep.
If he’s just talking to mates, go back…. round 8 yay!
8. The cherry – And no, if you’re a virgin, I’m not saying pop anything. I mean like, the cherry on top – final stage.
Personally, I’ve never got this far, so this parts all you girl. Go show him your moves. Celebrate, you either have yourself an extremely clever player or you have yourself a successful man – a prince.
Either way, congratulations Snow.
I should mention, if you do follow these steps and every guy coming your way keeps failing, it’s okay – It’s probably because this list is actually 21-century human proof. It was made for creatures like Edward Cullen.
Oh, Edward. OK.