Why I hate my phone?

In all honesty, the title is far from the truth. The reality is, I hate that I love my phone. More so now that I don’t have time for it. If you’re reading this while you’re on your phone, be prepared to feel an ache of resistance holding it up… BECAUSE WE’RE ALL SHEEP.

  1. Look up, look up, look up! 
    Walking through campus with a crowd of technology do goners, is like playing the real life game of angry birds; the angry bird being me of course. You’re constantly dodging hepatized zombies who are just hoping the tree in front of them will move respectfully.

    Screen Shot 2016-09-21 at 12.24.21 pm.png
    My scientific theory (based on taking one science class) is that humans will eventually adapt a sixth sense that can pick up on physical objects ahead. Sort of like a shark’s lateral line being able to sense vibrations through the water. That way people can cross a highway without having to miss a millisecond of another dancing dog on Facebook.  Now that’s definitely worth the risk!

  2. I’m never truly alone…

    I know we all take our phones to the bathroom, so don’t make me question my hygiene. Recently I had come home from a long day of classes with my phone on the verge of dying. If you’re an iPhone user you know how dreadful charging your phone that’s completely dead is. So I stressfully left my phone to charge in the kitchen.

    I sat (you know where) feeling empty. I wasn’t over thinking me tripping up the stairs earlier that day or how good looking my group member is. I was sort of just sitting there like a sausage dog finally realising he couldn’t touch his tail after 10 years of trying. Why? Because I’m a part of the vast majority (I hope) who message (and even snap) while they’re in the bathroom. Bathroom meaning toilet, clearly.

    In fact, the average time spent in a bathroom (and again, toilet) has tripled in the last decade. Social scientists discovered people from the age of 17-24 spend 5.5 minutes extra in the bathrooms than people aged 28-35.

    Screen Shot 2016-09-21 at 11.50.45 am.png
    ……I completely made that fact up, but I know it sounded abnormally believable.

    Which makes my point even more valid. You’re never truly alone. Unless you forget to bring your phone to the bathroom of course. 

    Having your phone out in public also implies you have loads of friends waiting for you somewhere in the distance. You’re smiling which clearly means a cute boy is sending you cute texts. Or….maybe Brad Pitt’s saying you were the one he truly wanted. RIP Brangelina. 

  3. You never really have a full conversation with someone. 
    Screen Shot 2016-09-21 at 12.22.55 pm.png
    In this society, the only time 2 people are laughing together are when they’re both in group chats or tagging each other in memes. If 2 people are beside each other laughing one’s probably laughing at a funny meme and the other’s most likely laughing at a vine. (Stop acting like real beings are messaging you).

    The only time you’re fully in a conversation with someone is when you’re gossiping over the phone. Even then, you’re probably lingering through your laptop or using the phone call as an excuse to waste time while walking.

    Conversations in person are often disturbed by vibrations against a table or pocket (Don’t think otherwise, I’m still talking about a phone).

    Taking your phone out and checking it while someone is talking has become so acceptable in society, the person talking often respectfully slows downs or verbally gives the other person permission to check their phone as if they had control in the matter. After the distraction you often find yourself highlighting important topics about the overall conversation, just so you could bring the person back into the feels of the conversation. And the gossiping continues…

  4. Photography degree for you.. you.. and you.  
    Eyes used to widen when meals came out at restaurants, now phones are unlocked and inner photographers are unleashed.

    Screen Shot 2016-09-21 at 12.20.57 pm.png

    Mcdonald meals look like 5-star dishes with snap chat angels and lighting.

    Girls look skinner and boys look more built.

    …… At least trees still look like trees right?  

    And nights are rated by the quality of pictures taken. And well, no photos meant the night was practically useless. Isn’t that right ladies?

  5. Anxiety 
    I spend say to much time looking for the phone that’s in my right pocket. I’m sick of my body going into shock mood and my heart skipping a beat every time I think I’ve lost my phone. Not again!                                                 Having an iPhone is sort of like being in a sympathetic ‘I-Love-My phone’ club. The second you lose it, you get fellow iPhone owners pouncing from their seats  yelling “an iPhones missing! iPhone missing”, and suddenly 12 minions are urgently checking their bags to clear their name. It’s almost unclear with who’s phones actually missing from a distance. Love you guys!              If I were to fall down with my iPhone in my hands, the sad reality is; Nokia users would reach to help me up, iPhone users would wait anxiously (like me) to see if my phone had been cracked and Samsung users would be chattering about how much better Samsung is. I almost feel guilty talking about my phone so negatively, as if it were a being.                                                                                              I’m not preaching for you to turn your phone off all day (and definiely not giving soul searching advice to throw your phone away), but maybe enjoy a walk without lingering through Facebook. Experience how the older generation take a walk.  Play angry birds with the zombies who are using their phones. Pretend you hate how society works for a couple of minutes. Don’t be basic sheep.
Now, go like my instangram photo.
– Awkward Koala

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