Why has it become so much harder to forgive as I got older, then when I was so blinded by the cruelty of the world. I used to have this undermining fear of war. Not literal…. but war from friendships, self or life. I used to do everything in my power to release it by forgiving or asking for forgiveness. Even if it meant being stomped on or ignored. People often confused my forgiving gesture as a sign of kindness and selflessness, however as I grew, it started to ironically become a gesture of selfishness. I mean, obviously the purpose was to save friendships, but the strength I had from reaching out always came from a self-beneficial or religious perspective.
As I got older, however, I started to thrive off empowerment. Suddenly I started to expect. Expect the most from the people I loved… Expected the worst. Expected to be heard. Expected to be respected. Expected to be treated, as to how I treat others. It was almost a shock to me when my friends weren’t fulfilling my expectations. So I started to lower them, assuming I wasn’t realistic. I was wrong….
This was all happening while I was learning who I was, who I wanted in my life and whom others were. Fundamentally, as you get older your life changes in ways, you never thought were possible. I always had this assumption, life would change 10 years from now, but even looking 2 years back, I gasped to the understanding of life always changing. What and who makes you happy always changes. In saying this, however, I’m not fond of changes with friendships. My best friends now, have been and will always be my best friends a different time from now. Essentially, you don’t lose people in your life who were meant to be there from the start… they’re instead a life lesson.
The forgiving side of me, the side I love most, is significantly influenced by my amazing mother. This woman lives life from a better stance, seeing things from a better perspective. To her, someone who just committed a crime is someone who unfortunately has never experienced the importance of faith. She taught me when and how to fight for forgiveness, and when things are better left alone. I learnt the difference between needing and wanting to apologise for the greater good. I know who to fight for, and who to respectfully smile at from a distance, knowing it was for the best.